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16 December 2010

Dude, So and So Got SO Fucking Jacked For That Movie: Sylvester Stallone

Few figures are as iconic and meaningful to American males between the ages of 20 and 40 than Sylvester Stallone.  He, along with Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, Seagal, and Willis, set the standard for manliness through their epic films featuring naught but death and destruction, delivered with witty quips for which we all waited with bated breath.  Their films were the stuff from which UGLs since have distilled their testosterone suspensions, and on which future superheros, lumberjacks and Forrest Griffins will be weaned.  In other words, their films were the stuff of all that is awesome... like unicorns, if unicorns did nothing but gore small children and feast on their entrails while boasting rock hard cocks and carrying naked fitness models on their backs.



Of those three, the only one who's managed to stay in the type of shape we'd expect of them to be rocking is Sylvester Motherfucking Stallone.  Though most would posit that it's because he's jacking shitloads of GH and test, they do so only because they're sloppy fucking ninnies with no conception of how hard it is to get to 4% bodyfat, much less while carrying serious muscular bodyweight and at THE AGE OF 62.  In other words, anyone who talks shit on Stallone can get fucked, and might as well donate their testicles to science so that someone can get a first-hand look at the devolution of the American male.
Ninny.

On that note, I shall delve into the workout routines that Stallone uses to get into the kind of shape to make half of the people reading this want to leave their shirts on when they're about to lay wood.  Though they've varied over time, Stallone's go-to workout's remained basically unchanged since Franco Columbu designed it for him to get him ready for Rambo: First Blood, Part II.  This was when Stallone first showed up onscreen in the condition to which poofters on Bodyspace refer as "peeled".
Brace yourselves, fuckers, as he did not, and I repeat, DID NOT, use 5/3/1 or Starting Strength to achieve that condition.[Note: As this comment has got peoples' panties in a bunch, this is to say that there are indeed, denizens of the internet, other workable programs on Earth.  To those parties horribly offended by this statement, settle the fuck down.]  Shocking, I know.  Instead, he actually lifted weights.  A fucking lot of them.  Very often.  Instead of shriveling up into a condition that would preface the appearance of Smigel years later in the LOTR series, he showed up looking like his skin was replaced by orange saran wrap after receiving full-body lipo and having every muscle in his body replaced by a hyper-striated stone.

Rocky Balboa had the best training montage ever- nothing but mothafuckas liftin heavy-ass weight, to channel my inner Ronnie Coleman.


The workout that got him there was a 6 day double split, broken down like this:


Monday/Wednesday/Friday
Morning
Chest
Back
Abs

Afternoon
Shoulders
Arms
Abs

Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday
Morning
Calves
Thighs

Afternoon
Rear Delts
Traps
Abs

He didn't have a specific set/rep scheme to which he adhered, but apparently stuck with the tried-and-true bodybuilder set and rep scheme of 6-12 reps for 3-4 sets of 3-4 exercises.  Given that Franco trained him, I'm sure low reps also reared their head, as Franco was a big fan of low reps on the powerlifts (For a refresher, go here.)  In addition to that craziness, Stallone did between 500 and 1000 reps of abs a day, giving him the six pack that will forever make the rest of us look like fat fucks, no matter what kind of condition we're in.  According to Franco, he "trained four different ab and torso exercises: sit-ups, leg raises, side leg raises, and side bends. We did 50 reps of each, one exercise right after another, and five sets of this cycle. And wait until you see the results. Sly has great abs, intercostals, serratus, everything."  With that batshit Sardinian midget nipping at his heels, Sly pretty much emplyed the bull-in-a-china-shop approach we all love so much.  He went balls to the fucking wall, every workout, and added sets, reps, and exercises whenever humanly possible.

When he originally utilized that program to prep for Rambo II, "Sylvester gained just about 10 pounds in six and a half weeks," Franco says. "He has great structure, with a waist only about 29 inches. When we started, he had a 44-inch chest. At the end, his chest was almost 50 inches. And his arms went from 16 ½ inches to 18 inches. He was bigger, harder and much more muscular. Wait until you see him in the movie. He's going to shock a lot of people by how good he looks."
When was the last time you broke your ass to add 10 lbs of rip in 6 weeks?  I'm betting the 7th of never.

Of course, you're saying to yourself, he must have employed the GOMAD approach.  He must've kept entire dairies in business all of his own accord, he was drinking so much milk.  Not so much, fuckers.  In fact, Stallone ate the way a sane person would if he wanted to get jacked and still be able to be proudly shirtless in public- he ate a shitload of lean meat and veggies, took all of the protein supplements on which he could lay hands, and brooked no fucking nonsense out of anyone.
"Sly is the most disciplined man that you'll ever meet in any walk of life," says his personal bodyguard Gary Compton. "He doesn't eat real late, he doesn't snack, and he doesn't eat much. Pasta? Yes, but not too often, and only when it's made with a special flour. Fish and brown rice are staples. He even eats fish for breakfast. He drinks little alcohol, but occasionally enjoys champagne. Quick energy? Would you believe oatmeal cookies? Of course, without processed sugar of preservatives."
Although he eventually decided the above was the best way to go, and utilized that program for Rocky Balboa and the Expendables, he wasn't above a bit of experimentation, in the most extreme fucking way possible.  "When making Rocky III, Sly would begin the day with a two mile jog, then go straight into 18 rounds of sparring, 2 hours of weightlifting and jumping rope. After all this, he would take a nap in the afternoon, then go running again! He would finish the day with a swim."  For whatever reason, Stallone decided to get lean first, and then put on a shitload of muscle thereafter for that film, so he dieted down to a ridiculous 155 on nothing but 10 egg whites and a piece of burnt toast a day, and then used a more or less paleo diet to get his bodyweight up to 175 for filming.   



Utter fucking lunacy.  Though he didn't go in for all of that ridiculous running to prep for Rambo, the sultan of shred decided to do something that sucks far, far more: "I have to live up to the last film. That makes it a little bit harder to get in shape. I have a machine like an escalator with the steps coming down, and I pile 40 to 50 pounds of weight on my back and start climbing those endless steps."


There you have it- all you need to do to get into 62 year old badass shape is to train 12 times a week on an essentially paleo diet ("I follow a high-protein diet: Anything with a face, that’s what I eat, with something green next to it,”) and throw in 1000 reps of abs and weights stairclimbing into the mix.  Easy as pie, right?  


If a 62 year old man can do it, so can fucking you.  Go lift something.


Sources:
http://www.ironmagazineforums.com/bodybuilding-gossip/67221-body-sylvester-stallone.html
http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/jaimefiler2.htm
http://sylvesterstalloneworkout.net/
http://www.askmen.com/sports/bodybuilding/58_fitness_tip.html

69 comments :

  1. "Cobra" is still my favorite Stallone film.
    While it fails to showcase his physique, it makes up for that with the endless supply of one-liners and car chases.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like Stallone as a person. He's got a very interesting personal history.

    I still laugh at the Rocky training montages. The fucker didn't even spar in the training montage for Rocky VI! WTF!

    But I wont lie, I'm still rocking the Rocky IV soundtrack on my Ipod.

    Now go do a post on David Goggins. That guy will put every single person you've written about on this blog to utter shame.

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  3. Yeah Jaime, this site needs more joggers!!!! DO IT!!1 DO IT!!!

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  4. "Brace yourselves, fuckers, as he did not, and I repeat, DID NOT, use 5/3/1 or Starting Strength to achieve that condition. "

    No shit.

    Starting Strength - A program written primarily for people new to barbell training to give them a basic template to increase all their basic lifts significantly in a very short amount of time, with no concern of aesthetics, before they move on to whatever style of programming they choose.

    5-3-1 - A program written primarily for people that don't have the time to spend hours every day in the gym, but still gives a concrete plan to get stronger every week/month for a very long time.

    Why in the fuck would someone trying to become a giant shredded machine as quickly as possible go either of these routes?

    Sometimes your posts are brilliant, until you throw little comments in like this that make you seem like a petty child trying to get out of the internet shadow of guys like Wendler and Rippetoe.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Utexas- that comment had nothing to do with Wendler or Rippetoe- it has to do with the legions of idiots on the internet who think that those are the only two currently acceptable programs on Earth. Thanks for your epic synopsis of those two programs, though. You shed a lot of light on two completely obtuse and horribly under-promoted programs.

    ReplyDelete
  6. utexas61 good god u are a cunt

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  7. +1 on David Goggins. Whattaman.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Meh. Maybe I am a cunt.

    And maybe I did jump to some unnecessary conclusions. If your comments were aimed at those idiots who actually believe that, well good. Because they are probably mouth breathers that never go to the gym anyway since they are always online over-analyzing every program out there.

    I guess it just seemed out of place to me. I would never think about putting those programs and Sylvester Stallone in the same blog post. It just seems obvious.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I've actually commented that 5/3/1's a decent looking program before. I still maintain that the mindset behind Rippetoe's shit is weaksauce and will lead to naught but mediocrity, however.

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  10. Well 5/3/1 will always be praised as the single programme that brought me from mediocre to ridiculously strong for my bodyweight. I edited it so as to go harder at my 1 rep maxes each month and made a few 15 -12 kg prs in one cycle.

    The conditioning/sprinting quota is also enjoyable and beneficial if you have the time i had during the summer period.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You got heart, but you fight like a god-damn ape. The only thing special about you is ya never got your nose busted - well, leave it that way, nice and pretty, and what's left of your mind...Hey kid, did ya ever think about retirin'?...You think about it.

    HEY, TOMMAYYYY! I DITN'T HEAR NO BELL!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Stallone is fuckin' Awesome! Rocky three, Mr t. was fuckin BAD ASS!!

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  13. Why do you dislike milk so much?

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  14. Hey jamie I'm a long time reader and I would like to run something by you. I've just started training (at 16 years old) and I am having some problems with feeling like I'm not doing enough. So I guess my question is: when I am in the gym should I say fuck you to rest periods and set numbers and just do as much as I possibly can. I feel like I might make more progress if I quit censoring myself and just start lifting until I can no longer lift myself even. I don't know why I am asking, as I think I know what your answer will be, but would appreciate it if you answer anyways.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Nice edit man. Sorry my panties got in a wad this morning. Happens from time to time.

    Keep up the nice work on the blog. One of my daily reads (even if I don't always agree).

    ReplyDelete
  16. Differing points of view are what makes the world go round. Now worries.

    Stefan- Whenever you feel you're able, do so. You only live once, and it's better to regret the things you've done than those you haven't.

    ReplyDelete
  17. The last Rambo movie is one of my favourites. One of the most violent movies ever filmed.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hey Jeremy.

    I've read the article "5 Fucking Essential Lifts".
    I'm doing "Behind the neck push presses" now and I was wondering if I can expect a strength carry over to bench. My bench is stuck for 5 weeks already which pisses me off.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Go fuck yourself. You think I like giving free tips to you shitbirds all the livelong day?

    ReplyDelete
  20. Hahahaha. My name's Jamie. Overhead movements should help your bench. Thibideaux recently wrote some article about how he's had no shoulder probs since he started doing them more often, and I can personally attest to that as well. I'm however, hardly an authority on the bench. I put it right up there with concentration curls on my list of beloved exercises.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hey, thanks for your answer - and sorry for confusing your name.

    One more question. Did you ever do barbell hack squats? If yes, what is your opinion of them?

    Greetings from Germany.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Kein problem. Ja, habe ich barbell hack squats gemacht. Sie gibt mir schmerz in meine Knie. Also, hasse ich dieser Etüde.

    ReplyDelete
  23. By the way, I'm sorry for taking a huge steaming shit on your native tongue, as it were, but given that you're German, you should expect that sort of thing. I actually didn't intend that to be a pun, initially, but it was too good to pass up. I rarely get to practice my German, though, and it's rusty as shit.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Hahaha, no problem mate. Pretty good German actually - I'm amazed. I've heared before that hack squats are causing knee pain to some people. They work well for me though as they had a huge carry over to my deadlifts. I do them 6 times a week, always working up to 1RM. I'm happy that I've found this blog. On German sites, you always see people worrying about 'Übertraining'. I was brainwashed by it until I've found this blog.

    Anyways... sehr schöne Seite, weiter so!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Vielen dank! I think my knee pain comes from the fact that I have a huge ass, so it's hard for me to get the bar all the way up without kicking my knees waaaaaay over my toes. Everyone's a bit different, though, so if it's working, stick with it!

    Wenn du in Oesterreich bist, sollst du bei Top Gym Wien trainieren.

    ReplyDelete
  26. On David Goggins: in one of his earlier posts talking about the Super Athletes, there was already a guy discussed who makes David Goggins almost look like a pussy.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Stallone's physique in Rocky IV = unreal. He looked like an action figure. His serratus and lats were the best I've ever seen.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Oh, I see what you mean. Well there is an exercise I can't do aswell - close grip bench press. I tried it cause you recommend them. After 2 workouts my wrists felt like someone hammered them. Maybe my technique is just bad, I don't know. My wrists are thin as fuck though.

    Top Gym Wien - I've heared HUGE animals train there.

    ReplyDelete
  29. How many times has he been busted for steroids?? Kinda makes hard work and paleo work quite a bit better!!

    ReplyDelete
  30. On David Goggins: in one of his earlier posts talking about the Super Athletes, there was already a guy discussed who makes David Goggins almost look like a pussy.


    reference?

    ReplyDelete
  31. WOO YEAH, GOGGINS 4 LYFE.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Wow. You guys are just like women.

    "Jamie, we love your blog so much! Now please change it along the lines of our influence until it no longer resembles its original form. No more references to genocides we've actually heard of. No more porn. Talk about this. Talk about that. Blah blah blah."

    Little bitches. If you want to read about David Goggins look him up.

    ReplyDelete
  33. You sound like a broken record everytime you write. Do us a favor and throw away your keyboard.

    ReplyDelete
  34. G. MacStupid doesn't understand this is a "comments" section. He thinks he is the only one that can voice an opinion. Hard to believe this guy was allowed to procreate. I thought Canada had laws about this type of stupidity, eh? Glen, tell us more about your mom losing her virginity.. That was a fascinating read.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Glen M. Says: stupid bitches, you will never amount to anything. Can't get laid, need a book to figure it out, living at home with your mother. You young guys are all stupid. Why do you come here? I figured this all out by instinct, too bad you will never be the thinker that I am, you are all soft like a tampon, or like porridge. Perhaps oatmeal. Not Cream of Wheat, that stuff is good.
    There you go, gleneth, I just saved you from having to type. Word for word, that was what you were going to say. You know it. I know it. They know it.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Outstanding post, man! Stallone was one of the role models that got me training as a kid - Arnold being the other - and this was a really good, fun, inspiring read.

    Great writing style, great topic and well done article.

    Thanks!

    Adam

    ReplyDelete
  37. Throw another hissy fit, porridge. Fuck, you're a lameass.

    ReplyDelete
  38. David Goggins? Who gives a fuck about running?

    I think some of you may be reading the wrong blog.

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  39. Manveet- It's in one of the posts detailing the modern world being filled mostly with pussies. I don't know which post it is exactly, but I get the feeling it was sometime in the middle of the posts from '09.

    Jesus, anonymous posters get their panties in a knot every time Glen talks.

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  40. Accept Glen in all his gingerness, you anonymous turds.
    Ginger prejudice is not a quality you should be proud of.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I can overlook the red hair. His stupidity is difficult to ignore.

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  42. STOP ARGUING MORONS AND TALK ABOUT THE SUBJECT

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  43. Stallone trains too often. Once a week per body part is ample. More than that can lead to an early grave. Ginger people should train every hour, for that reason. But lets face it - Stallone is a steroid and GH taker. Why should anyone want to know about a drugs cheats training methods? I work with a guy who's nearly sixty, started training about a year ago, takes tons of steroids. He's doing great, putting on size - without the drugs though, he's look shit. His routine is bad, but with enough drugs it will work.

    ReplyDelete
  44. Oh fuck yeah, i just fitted a greased up, foam roller up my ass.

    ReplyDelete
  45. David Goggins? Who gives a fuck about running?

    I think some of you may be reading the wrong blog


    I think David Goggin's story and his accomplishments fit well within the purview of Jamie's blog.

    ReplyDelete
  46. not to mention that David Goggins is a 290lb power lifter who got down to 190lb in order to run and raise money for a specific cause! The only type of training he enjoys is power lifting. He actually detests running but it is a necessary evil in order to complete his mission. Lastly he is a navy seal and a ranger that has seen combat and could kill any of you faggots with his bare hands.

    All that being said i could care less if you do a blog about him or not.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Stallone has no legs. None.

    WEll done for all youve accomplished in cinema but Im still a superior bodybuilder without the drugs so this article is not as motivating/enlightening as other select prose on this blog.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I think a certain someone has a man-crush on Goggins..

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  49. for the love of God whoever is posting as Christine again please stop. As this will certainly induce a response from Glen and I'm pretty sure my IQ drops a little every time I read one of his comments.

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  50. You haven't got much farther to drop, kid. If you were any smarter you'd be a moron.

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  51. Who the fuck cares if Stallone took steroids. It doesn't diminish his accomplishment at all. Most of you have no clue what steroids are or how they work anyway.

    As for Goggins...he is the man. Anybody who says different should be taken out of the gene pool.

    ReplyDelete
  52. http://www.starzlife.com/20081112/rocky-has-chicken-legs/

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  53. I don't see chicken legs here
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W_PFwMENUcI/S2yNfMjRXwI/AAAAAAAAAGA/chbVOGNFiY0/s320/stallone.jpg

    ReplyDelete
  54. LOL!
    Hi, my name's Porridge. I'm in love with some asshole called David Goggins because I'm fucked in the head.
    LMAO!!!!!!!
    Rambo's legs are very important to me.


    You guys are tools.

    ReplyDelete
  55. Sylvester Stallone wrote a book detailing his workouts and diet. It's probably not very hard to find on Amazon.

    ReplyDelete
  56. Who cares if Stallone took steroids? I care when someone takes steroids, claims not to, but gives out training and diet advice. It would take a real thick cunt to not realise that steroids allow you to train differently and eat differently than if you didn't take them. If they didn't, why would people take them?! Enough of this, i'm off over to youporn for a quick pre bed wank. Or Christines page....

    ReplyDelete
  57. http://www.amazon.com/Sly-Moves-Proven-Program-Strength/dp/B000EGEYR0

    ReplyDelete
  58. Whats funny is that link only served to concrete my opinion on Stallones overpowered legs. They are too skinny. Expected from the amount of cardio he does.

    Not trying to be too negative but that is one body part I definitely have on him so I wont try to emulate his training.

    ReplyDelete
  59. The point's not to emulate his training- it's to draw knowledge from what those before you have done.

    There's far too much emulation and not nearly enough innovation going on in the world, methinks.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Exactly.

    You're not supposed to copy the entire routine.

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  61. That's all these retards know how to do. None of them have ever come up with their own workouts before. Original ideas scare them, even their own.

    ReplyDelete
  62. Glen: broken record, yet again!

    ReplyDelete
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