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06 April 2010

If You Absolutely Fucking MUST... (edited 8/1/10)

Frankly, I think this topic has been done to fucking death (queue the assholes with the "hackneyed" button fetish), a couple of you have asked me a question along the lines of "if you have to eat like an asshole, what should you eat?" This is obviously a difficult question to answer, as my diet is a constantly evolving process, rather than a static macronutritent ratio. So many factors go into food and macro choices that it's difficult to identify a single food that will perfectly suit your needs if you're stuck and you have limited options. Thus, I'll give you a couple of ideas.


If you're WAY the fuck away from any kind of food that might be construed as useful, eat some kind of meat. That's the key to the whole deal. For instance:


If you're at a gas station, skip the Balance bars. Here's why- a Balance bar consists of a bit soy protein, a shitload of sugar, and a bunch of fat.  It's a fucking shit Zone macro thing, only done in the most half-assed way humanly possible.  Instead, go for the beef jerky with the least sugar. That way, you'll get a massive dose of protein with only a bit of carbs and fat.  It's the original protein bar-esque snack.  Failing that, you can go with a protein bar they have there, but before you buy a balance bar, check to see what the nutrition on their microwavable burgers are. I'll bet that the burger will be better for you, most times.

At a fast food place, you're generally best off with a couple of grilled chicken sandwiches or one and some chili.  You'll keep your carbs moderate, your protein high, and your fat low, which is essentially the easiest healthy way to eat when your food isn't pre-prepared.

Hoagies will get it done, as well, provided you pass on the mayo, stupid non-meats like pepperoni/salami, and the dressing.  I generally get roast beef, turkey, or a club with roast beef, turkey, and ham, and then double the meat on that bitch.  Additionally, Quizno's Sammies with grilled chicken are pretty badass, but you've got to eat at least three of them to get a useful amount of protein.

Nuts are a good compliment to the jerky if you're keeping the carbs low. If you want to up the carbs, eat a bag of Baked Lays.


Basically, just don't be fucking retarded. I get a shitload of questions about diet, and the shit is not brain surgery. If your carbs are high, your fat is low. If your fat is high, carbs are low. Protein is ALWAYS FUCKING HIGH. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH PROTEIN. You could be eating unnecessary amounts, but no one's ever fucking gotten fat from protein, because the thermic effect of protein is too high, and no one has ever died from eating too much. Therefore, find the shit that fits your profile the best and eat it.
Not sure how the fuck this happened, but I guarantee it wasn't from eating too much steak.

Shit you shouldn't eat?
Mayo. If you eat mayo, you're a fat fuck, you hate your arteries, you're generally disgusting, and your friends probably hate you. It's vile, useless shit, and you should avoid it.

Hot dogs. I mean, seriously. Why would you eat a fucking hot dog? There's barely any protein, it's filled with nitrates, and it's the random organic detritus of the butchering process. It's like processed chum, with bugs mixed in for good measure.

Any packaged baked good containing sugar. You want diabetes? Fine. Stop reading my fucking blog. You're an asshole for stuffing that fucking Ring Ding in your mouth. You might as well stuff it up your fat fucking ass, because it's shit.

Fish Filets. If you don't know why, you're a dick.


Fried chicken sandwiches. Again, if you have to ask why, you're a moron.

And that's that. Simplicity. To be addressed later this week: Shit I like to eat on and off diet, and an update on my squat training, and my evolving theory thereof. I just hit a 535 PR on the front squat to depth with no belt, so the shit is working.

42 comments :

  1. I'm sexually aroused by that front squat. I hope to the god you don't believe in that you filmed it. (of course so I can fal to it)....

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  2. hey.
    so i´m probably the biggest dick around here now, but why shouldn´t you eat fish filets?

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  3. What the fuck's wrong with mayo?
    Oh fuck never mind, I just read the ingredients.
    1st ingredient: Soy bean oil
    No more mayo for this guy.

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  4. Jamie, you have a severely limited diet on the eggs, fish, shellfish, vegetables front lol some of the things you limit are solely based on taste preferences. Also, they make mayo made with olive oil now.

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  5. Say what you want, but that fat kid eating McDonald's is going to be one hellacious party animal. I'd rather hang out with an adult version of that kid rather than a guy who works out and maintains not one but two blogs about working out. (Side note - I'm waiting for you to start your third blog, in which you will blog about blogging about working out.)

    When that fat kid is in college, he's going to be at some party wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt, and everyone's going to be chanting his name as he does an awesome fat guy dance. When CNP dances, everyone thinks, "Wow. That short guy is really overcompensating with the muscles. And he dances like a prick. I pity him."

    Regards,
    Fish Filet

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  6. That kid will probably die by the time he reaches college age and i say good riddance. And besides if he's not dead by then he'll probably kill himself when he reaches 30 and still hasn't so much as finger banged some stinking fat slut.

    Why frequent a blog about weight training and not being a disgusting slob with no self control, if in reality you admire the large majority of the western poplation aka fat fucks?

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  7. A fish filet sandwich contains 11g of fat, 15g of carbs, and 13g of protein. That's a shit nutritional profile. The only reason that disgusting shit exists is to pander to Catholics who don't eat meat on Fridays. Anyway, what are you, four? Most people give up fishsticks in elementary school.

    Mayo is 80% fat and 20% carbs. It's fucking useless.

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  8. Jamie, you have an interesting style: on one hand, you do a nice job sharing information.
    On the other, most questions, or God forbid a different opinion, are met with a response as above.
    The guy doesn't get it, he's asking a question, and he's not four years old.
    Lot's of folks do not understand nutrition.

    By the way, you are not the only one using Google, and a fish filet (McDonald's) is 18g fat, 40g carbs, 16 g protein. Worse than your numbers illustrate.

    Catholics? What side of your ass did you pull that one out of?

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  9. Jippo,

    How do you define the "western population?" Western as in west of the Mississippi river? Western as in Western culture? Western as in west of me, Jippo?

    In any event, I'm a psychology phd student, and I'm researching my dissertation on the psychological effects of short people. My hypothesis is that short people make a conscious effort to outwardly project aggression to signal to competitor peers that their diminutive size does not reflect their ability for violence or qualities as a potential mate. As such, I googled the vernacular equivalent, i.e., "The Author is an Asshole, but a strong and lean asshole," and I thus happened upon this site. When I showed this site to my phd advisor, he said, "Jackpot!"

    Regards,
    Fish Filet

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  10. my bad.
    i thought you were refering to fish in general with that and not a fish filet sandwich...

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  11. Ice cream is pretty much the most useless shit ever. Half the calories come from fat and the other half come from sugar.

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  12. Using Google, it turns out that Jamie is right. McDonald's is indeed pandering to ethnic and religious groups.
    It has been leaked that next year, for Saint Patrick's Day, they are going to be releasing a corned beef sandwich.

    In a pretty blatant attempt to capture the Jewish crowd, a matzah ball soup is on tap for the Passover.
    (Yep, f' me, my parents hate me, and I have no right to live.) blah blah blah, etc.

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  13. Fish Filet, I think you just threw too many questions at Jippo.

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  14. Fish Filet,

    I've been following CNP for awhile, and I think your crossing the line by calling him insecure. If you don't like him, don't read his blog. Quit being a h8r. Its that simple.

    Dracoy

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  15. I pulled it out the google side of my ass, and used Wolfram alpha for the nutritional info. History Channel is where I learned of the religious pandering, but for those of you who are for whatever reason skeptical of the veracity of my claims:

    Created by young enthusiast Lou Groen, it has become popular with people who cannot eat meat-based products, particularly Muslims: fish is always considered Halal, whilst Halal meat requires special slaughter techniques. Ray Kroc originally wanted to exclude the Filet-O-Fish from the McDonald's menu, instead selling the Hulaburger, a sandwich with a pineapple slice on a bun with two pieces of cheese, excluding the meat. The idea was that if either the Hulaburger or the Filet-O-Fish had the most sales, the sandwich would be added. When test-marketed in 1963, the Filet-O-Fish was the most consumed, so it was added to the permanent menu.

    http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2007-02-20-fish2-usat_x.htm

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  16. If Fish Filet is a psych phd student, I'm a fucking Chinese jet pilot. The study of Napoleonic syndrome is as scientifically valid as phrenology. It's likely one of the physically challenged humor cripples from Irongarmx, lost at sea because I've not posted on that site recently and suffering withdrawals from his jockriding.

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  17. Dracoy-

    I appreciate the support, but I enjoy the hate- it's half the reason this site exists.

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  18. Why do they always go after your height? Wow, you can state the obvious - what an intelligent and well-spoken bully to point out someone's short. Why not call him strong and blonde while you're at it?

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  19. Man, i cant believe u enjoy the h8. Personally, im at war with these h8rs.

    Check out some of my vidz when u get a chance. My homies call me the asian chaos and pain.

    Dracoy

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  20. These r just some of my feats:

    http://tinyurl.com/ydf54uj
    http://tinyurl.com/yarjtyx

    I can also squat 225 without gear.

    Dracoy

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  21. You said "The only reason that disgusting shit exists is to pander to Catholics"
    Yet you cite "Muslims" in your text. I love it when you waffle.
    It's actually a marketing effort to capture sales from groups that are not traditionally consumers of beef,
    Keep getting your education from tv.

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  22. From the rest of the article, you fucking idiot:

    CINCINNATI — In 1962, Lou Groen was desperate to save his floundering hamburger restaurant, the first McDonald's in the Cincinnati area.

    His problem: His clientele was heavily Roman Catholic. In those days, most Catholics abstained from meat every Friday, as well as during Lent, the 40-day period of repentance that begins this week with Ash Wednesday.

    His solution: He created the Filet-O-Fish — a sandwich that saved his restaurant and eventually would be consumed at a rate of 300 million a year.

    Would you like me to post the whole fucking thing? Not like you'd read it, anyway.

    Continue having NO FUCKING EDUCATION OF ANY KIND.

    Fucking Irongarmers have to be the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet.

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  23. and as a repost: "it has become popular with people who cannot eat meat-based products, particularly Muslims: fish is always considered Halal, whilst Halal meat requires special slaughter techniques."

    Nowhere in that statement did it allude to the fact, or indicate in any way, that Muslims were the reason for which the fucking sandwich was created.

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  24. CNP, why do you enjoy all this h8? I dont understand yo.

    Dracoy

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  25. This is true, about the catholoics. its always on that dumb fucking show about mcdonalds on msnbc. the guy tells some stupid story where he proposed the fish sandwhich to mcdonals headquarters. he tells how the owner said "i don't want your damn fish sandwhich, its gonna stink up my restraunt".... i recoreded this as video on my phone and this is why i remember this....

    jamie, post the fucking blog about your squats ASAP fuck face....i'm weak so i have to have success through you....

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  26. As the final results of my self-experiment are not in, I hesitate to post them at the midway point, but you whiny motherfuckers have browbeaten me into it.

    As for the hate, it's entertaining to own my naysayers completely and effortlessly. Additionally, conflict is entertaining.

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  27. CNP,

    I see what ur saying now. I cant wait to see u own that Fish Fillet scumbag.

    Dracoy

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  28. Strange, I thought Fish Filet was charming. Hopefully, he will do well in his class.

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  29. Sweet Jesus. A lot of pussies on here.

    /s/

    Protobuilder

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  30. Dracoy,

    I'm still waiting for an actual response from CNP myself. I can't see how CNP dismisses--in a self-serving, conclusory manner--my research and thesis; but at the same time, proves me right with everything he does/blogs.

    Regards,
    Fish Filet

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  31. Looking forward to the squat article. Fish filet, you've been put in your place several times in this thread and don't even know its happened. You should probably just quieten down now.

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  32. Jamie: squat article, e-book update, favorite diet foods, and what do you like about your Frees? (are they worth it?)
    Oh, and update your training journal, please.

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  33. A student with a PhD in Psych? Wow "Fish Filet" you've really out done yourself by commenting anonymously, and breaking into verbal e-fights. You're a real winner.

    Not to jump on the band wagon, but I'm also interested in why you wear Nike Free's. I know it is said to "mimic bare foot motion" and a lot of friends on the University XC/Track team use(d) them.

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  34. I'm a fan of C&P and not a fan of trolls, but if you're going to claim that you enjoy completely and effortlessly own people, I expect a little more. Fish Fillet's not a PHD student, that's fucking obvious. He just said that shit to set up his insults, but rebutting the setup is hardly a comeback for the actual insults.

    So has C&P called out Fish Fillet? No. Do I think that C&P needs to call out Fish Fillet? Actually, no. Do I think that C&P needs to drop the "I enjoy owning people" philosophy? Yes. That shit only encourages trolls, especially when you don't follow through.

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  35. Writing this down in the First History of Chaos & Pain.

    "So one day Jamie posted a blog whining about fish fillets and not eating enough meat. Big surprise am I right? Anyways, along comes some douchebag calling himself Fish Fillet- GET IT BECAUSE JAMIE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE -anyways then he talks about Jamie's well known short man angers and claims to be a PhD student or some shit. Jamie had another 'DAMN YOU, IRONGARMX' moment, people nitpicked, and a good laugh was had by all."

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  36. Also if I were trolling Jamie I would probably make a jab or two about how his blog is layered in pictures of muscular, shirtless men. Then I would take note that half his posts are about how to look good and eat a lot of meat, yet he says it's primarily a strength training blog.

    Just a tip because I haven't seen either of those yet and I'm getting tired of shitty trolls with the same shitty lines.

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  37. Since CNP isn't actually responding to me (as Anonymous at 1:17 astutely pointed out), I pose the following question to the readers.

    What would CNP do to be 6'2"?

    A. Get a tribal tattoo on his lower back.
    B. Give his dad a blowjob
    C. Eat out Whoppi Goldberg after she had diarrhea
    D. Forever stop working out

    Cheers,
    Fish Filet

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  38. You have the reading comprehension of the slowest of the Down's Syndrome crew. Since you're evidently incapable of reading comments, in addition to reading the article I fucking linked, here it is again.

    ChAoS and PAIN said...

    From the rest of the article, you fucking idiot:

    CINCINNATI — In 1962, Lou Groen was desperate to save his floundering hamburger restaurant, the first McDonald's in the Cincinnati area.

    His problem: His clientele was heavily Roman Catholic. In those days, most Catholics abstained from meat every Friday, as well as during Lent, the 40-day period of repentance that begins this week with Ash Wednesday.

    His solution: He created the Filet-O-Fish — a sandwich that saved his restaurant and eventually would be consumed at a rate of 300 million a year.

    Would you like me to post the whole fucking thing? Not like you'd read it, anyway.

    Continue having NO FUCKING EDUCATION OF ANY KIND.

    Fucking Irongarmers have to be the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet.
    April 7, 2010 2:59 PM
    created. created.

    You and anonymous both suck at reading.
    April 7, 2010 3:00 PM

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  39. "Anonymous", here. I was completely f'ing wrong about the McDonald's "thing". It was incomprehensible to me that Jamie's comment was accurate. Well, he bombed me with facts, and I'm actually embarrassed and humiliated, and thank God you guys don't even know who I am.
    Still, I want to apologize to Jamie. I come here because I love this blog. For some reason that comment set me off, and yes, I got "owned".
    (I can't speak for Fish Filet, or the some of those other comments that were appearing)
    Lesson learned.

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  40. I vote B, then C, then B again.

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  41. New Diet Taps into Innovative Plan to Help Dieters LOSE 20 Pounds within Only 21 Days!

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