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25 October 2009

*How To Start Down the Path to Enlightenment

A new CnP mainstay- standing overhead broad presses.

A previous blog dealt with a programming method new jacks could use to get cracking on ChAoS and PAIN, but I, in my infinite advancement, completely forgot that there are people out there, wandering gyms, wondering how in the hell they'd determine their 1 rep max (1RM). Let's start there.

First, a word about the various charts and other assorted official looking nonsense you'll find on the Internet. Ignore them. They're idiotic, non-scientific claptrap produced for the simpletons who believe there is such a thing as an average person, and that they might be one of them. Or, may they burn in hell for their idiocy, if they believe they are a specific somatotype. Somatotyping is retarded, bunk science that doesn't even reach the level of validity that does phrenology or astrology. I literally have more faith in the conjurings of a Goth sorcerer in a BDSM club than I do in anything anyone says if they use the terms "ectomorph", "endomorph", or "mesomorph" with any degree of respect. To be frank, if you overhear or read anyone using these terms and they're not spitting them out like they're on the verge of projectile vomiting, you should hit them over the head with a tack hammer and leave them in the town square for wild dogs, because they're either retarded or deliberately trying to mislead soft-headed people who lack a library card.
I know it's a sledge hammer, fuckface.

Don't predict your 1RM. Fucking lift weights until you know what it is. If you're scared of lifting heavy, perhaps you should eat a frisbee and you'll feel better.
If you're not a bloody vagina, the following is what you should do:

If you're a rank beginner, with no training or very little training experience:
  1. Read this blog for entertainment and do some old-school training for a while.
  2. Buy a good training manual like Dinosaur Training, or search for a Reg Park, John Grimek, Steve Reeves, etc. routine. Don't ask anyone for one. Be vaguely useful and do some research, then pick a routine you like. If you cannot use google with any degree of proficiency, turn off your computer and drown yourself in a bowl of soup or a puddle. Failing that, eat a frisbee.
  3. After about 6 months of solid training, come back here and move to the next step.
If you're not a rank beginner, but have never maxed out:
  1. Punch yourself in the face to punish yourself for your odd behavior.
  2. Punch yourself in the testicles to jump-start testosterone production.
  3. Take 3 weeks out of your current routine and start maxing on at least on lift per day. Start with your typical work weight, and do a single. Add 10s and repeat. Continue to add weight until you fail. Your previous completed lift is your max. Congrats!
  4. During these three weights, max out as much as you want, on as many lifts as you want. I'd make them useful exercises in terms of real strength training, such as:
  • Deadlift
  • Power or full clean
  • Clean and Press
  • Standing OH press from the front and back, military and push/jerk style
  • Bench Press variations (stick to close, regular, and reverse, and avoid decline at all costs)
  • Front and back squat
  • any other shit you like, including unilateral stuff like one arm snatches, etc.
5. Do some three rep maxes as well on things like dips and pullups, just for shits and gigs.

At this point, you will have some idea of where your starting point is, and you'll know precisely how strong or weak you are in absolute terms. This is a good thing- you're becoming a man! Yay!
Everyone's excited.

Once you've completed the above steps, you may begin work on your next task- that of becoming a full-on, revolution-starting, baby-kicking, misogyny-spouting CnP Hooligan.

Show us what you've got.

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Now playing: Slipknot - People = Shit
via FoxyTunes

3 comments:

  1. Hey dude, I'm a beginner (lifting for two months, lol). I think i'm lucky I found your blog so early since it motivates to me get off my ass and lift heavier than last time. But since you recommended an old school routine, I was thinking about this:

    The Reg Park Beginner Routine

    Here is a workout that he and Arnold used with great success (provided by Kaya Park, Reg's grandson)

    Workout A

    Back Squats 5x5
    Chin-Ups or Pull-Ups 5x5
    Dips or Bench Press 5x5
    Wrist Work 2x10
    Calves 2x15-20

    Workout B

    Front Squats 5x5
    Rows 5x5
    Standing Press 5x5
    Deadlifts 3x5 (2 warm-up sets and 1 "stabilizer set")
    Wrist Work 2x10
    Calves 2x15-20

    Week 1: A, B, A
    Week 2: B, A, B
    Week 3: A, B, etc

    Seems alright to me, but should beginners force incremental progress (know your view on that) or just do what feels right?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey retards, stop posting your workouts and individual questions and EMAIL him. That's why there is a profile and email link there.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If you can get more than 5 reps, add weight.

    ReplyDelete